Control is a defense mechanism by man to prevent personal hurt caused by circumstances or events in the past from happening again.  

 

It is not a godly thing. This is not a good response.  It is sin. 

The Start of Control

The offense occurred in our past, and it hurt. There was pain. Perhaps an overbearing mother, with only good intentions, parented her child to the extreme, and they decided no one would ever tell them what to do. Or, in some cases, they now don’t even want to hear their spouse’s opinions.  

 

Without Jesus, we don’t have a good way to deal with this, so we set up a control structure to protect ourselves from more pain or hurt in the future.  

 

Even when we come to know Jesus as our Lord, we may still continue dealing with the past in a carnal way instead of turning it over to our Lord and Savior. By now it has become a bad habit, a way of life and we don’t even see it as a bad thing. 

 

Learn More with Are You Crucified with Christ?

But this is not healthy. It provides a gateway to the enemy to set up shop within us and convince us that we should let him take care of this little part of our life. And his control only grows from there.

Learning From The Bible

Where is this in the Bible? In Ephesians 4:17-5:23, Paul is talking about walking out salvation and how to depart from our ways of the past and put on the new creation we are in Christ.  

Before salvation and out of ignorance, we indulged in sin “… with a continual lust for more.” Then we got married, and we are taught in Ephesians 5:23 the husband is to lead in the home while at the same time loving his wife as Christ loved the church.  

And Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” So, a husband with an unresolved control issue can be tough to live with. 

He uses Scripture (leading in the home) to defend his control tendencies while ignoring Scripture (iron sharpening iron) that his wife can and should be a godly partner and sounding board that can be used by the Holy Spirit to reach the man in a way that no one else has access. But he has to do it. It hurts too much any other way!

In a godly home, a wife should be free to express her opinion to her husband about anything.  A godly husband should welcome her input as he tries to faithfully lead their home as mandated by his charge as a godly husband. He may do this well in many ways until that unresolved issue from the past works its way into their life. And now he doesn’t want to hear a thing from her and responds totally out of character in a very ungodly way.  

What happened here? He has not turned this heartache from the past over to God and is still trying to deal with it in a carnal, earthly way–this is control. The devil loves it.

But Ephesians tells us:

 Ephesians 4:22 … put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires…

 Ephesians 4:24 … put on the new self-created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

 Ephesians 4:27 … do not give the devil a foothold.

 Ephesians 4:29 Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth…

 Ephesians 4:30 … do not grieve the Holy Spirit …

 Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

 Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.

Wow! He knows he is supposed to give it up, but he can’t. In the original example, he needs to forgive his mom, turn the offense over to Jesus and trust His providence going forward. He can’t give it up by himself, but with Jesus Christ, he can!  

 

Learn More in Putting Jesus First In Your Relationship 

 

It’s a process. We don’t get 100% of Christ day one of our salvation. This process of sanctification takes time — a different amount of time for different people.  

A loving wife may be helpful by sharing a blog like this with a controller or may not. A person can be saved and, at the same time, oppressed by the enemy.

Or, this blog may be the final piece needed to allow the controller to see a better way. Then he may begin, yet again, newfound freedom in Christ in another area of his life. 

Luke 10:19 I have given you authority … to overcome all the power of the enemy…

Galatians 3:26 You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus

Galatians 4:5 … that we might receive the full rights of sons.

Galatians 3:6 Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts

Galatians 3:7 … and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

Romans 6:14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

Romans 6:18 You have been set free from sin …

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Through saving faith in Jesus Christ, we are reckoned as sons of God and are seated with Him at the right hand of the Father (Eph 1:20 and 2:6). Through our faith in Christ, we accept heaven when we die. Why are we so slow to accept authority, position, sonship, and freedom from sin today while we are alive? Do it, and it will change your life and your marriage. Jesus came so we could live life to the fullest (John 10:10).

Ephesians 5:1 Be imitators of God …

Ephesians 5:2 … live a life of love, just as Christ loved us …

Ephesians 5:8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.

Ephesians 5:11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness …

Ephesians 5:15 Be very careful then, how you live … because the days are evil.

1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 

There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage

You may feel hopeless in your relationship, and that the hurt is too deep to restore what you once had. The truth is, your life and marriage can be better and stronger than it was before. 

A husband and wife are to live life as ONE: unified in their commitment, purpose, and vision for their lives. We live this out by supporting, not holding down or controlling, one another. When both the husband and wife choose to lift one another, they will soar together.

Restoration and rebuilding are important steps to take, and having Christian support along the way helps create a clear path. You can restore and rebuild your marriage with support from Longview’s marriage retreats.